Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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