he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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