I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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