We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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