Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
