At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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