Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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