shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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