1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
