goodnight i made you a song goodbye
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
