fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
