The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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