Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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