please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize