turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
