mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
