There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
