I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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