Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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