Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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