I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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