just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
