i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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