Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
