Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She even gives head with a lisp.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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