My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
