dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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