The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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