my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
