Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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