First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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