remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
