one two three fourrrrnication!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
