He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
