you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
