I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
