If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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