So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
