My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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