just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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