Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
