Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
