Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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