Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
