You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
