im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
