So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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