I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
