So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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