Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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