That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
