Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
