I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
