Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
