she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
