So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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